The Random Thoughts of Ejaka of the Sadaar

Be warned! This is a dangerous collection of dangerous thoughts about dangerous things that is dangerously wrong. Is your head refusing to interperate the dangerouses now? Good.


THE PRICKLY FIRST SECTION


Now, this section is pure prickly. Beware.


It is about...a play on words. And wordplay. And weird excerpts.


With the the playing of the words done (what? I didn't say I'd DO wordplay; I just made the words play), I'll give you a strange excerpt from an even stranger story.



Back, long ago, long before your great-grandparents' great grandparents were born, back when dragons still roamed the earth, when people did not have guns and resorted to hacking each other to pieces with swords instead, there lived a short, bald man in a small thatch-roof cottage.

This particular man had a habit of smoking his pipe on his porch at eight o'clock sharp. He lived quite happily, except for the nuisance of the dog next door. It barked like mad every morning, always watching the smoke drift upward in a spiral. The smell, too, enticed it and drove it crazy.

Presently, at eight o'clock, the man--his name was Rilo-- sat down on his creaky old rocking chair and smoked his pipe.

"O," he said with a sigh, "Ol' Eighty. Best smoke around." Rilo was smoking it, as he considered the present day a great one indeed.

Some time back, when the honeysuckle covered every clearing in sight, he looked on
the field one day and said, "This be a fine one. The Lord has outdone himself." He marked the day, deciding to take a smoke of Ol' Eighty, his finest harvest, on that day in remembrance.
That sunshiny day was four seasons ago to the day, and Rilo had cracked open the small cask of Ol' Eighty for the first time that morn.

Rilo decided that it was his finest harvest ever.

Just then, the Dog next door began barking. "Oi! What's that smell?" he panted in Doggish. But, of course, Rilo couldn't understand Doggish, as he was a human.

The smell curled up in the Dog's nose, and he took a deep whiff. "Ah," he sighed. He stopped, his doggy mouth open in surprise. "I am speaking Humanese!" the Dog exclaimed, shaking his fur in astonishment.

Rile, too, was open-mouthed. "You a-mean that you was a Talking Dog all this time?" Rile asked.

The Dog's feelings were ruffled. "Talking Dog? Talking Dogs be the worstest Dogs there ever been! Stuck-up, just because they could make different soundses in their throats!"

Rilo was puzzled. "Then what are you, Dog?"

The Dog jumped up on the fence. "I am Sir Muffle, son of Sir Tuffle, whose grandfather fought a dragon and lived! Which he got knighted for by the Doggish Committee of Tussling."

Rilo wondered at that. "He did?"

Sir Muffle made a snorting noise. "Well... It was a baby dragon."

Rilo shrugged, and glanced at his sundial. "Tis time to break my fast. Farewell, Sir Muffle."

Sir Muffle scrabbled at the fence. "Could you share? I am hungry."

"No."

Sir Muffle whined. "Please?"

"No." Rilo's flimsy door slammed shut.

Sir Muffle, put off by Rilo's reply, curled up by the fence for a good sunbathing. After all, not only the hated Cats needed the sun.


**************


Far, far, far away, there also lived an old, strong dragon, who, incidentally, has something to do with this story.

Legend has it that when this dragon was born, he ate his eggshell, belched, and said, "More." Since then, the dragon has shown a remarkable tendency to eat everything edible, grow stronger, and hoard large quantities of gold--all admirable traits in draconic society. Also, he hasn't ever gotten a stomachache.

The cats of the known world name him 'Flame', whereas the dogs name him simply 'Eater'. Fortunately for this story, the dragons and Men alike name him much more originally; Teghaw.
Now, as it happens, on the day that old Rilo began smoking 'Ol Eighty (which was to go down in history as a historic day and marked as the beginning of the decline of dragons), Teghaw was chewing on the bone of the Patriarch of a nearby town--who managed to dig out his rusty old sword and throw it into the river before being eaten. This, however, may be too much information to the weak of heart, so let it be sufficient to say that the Patriarch died in a horribly unpleasant manner.

Presently, the great Wyrm finished his bone and went to go and lie on his bed of jewels, gold, and who else knows what. He noted, however that a gold coin and one of his favorite tiny diamonds (he had thousands of them, but he only had a dozen or so favorites) were missing and promptly flew into a towering rage.


Dragon-historians, chronologists, and general knowledgeable people all agree on the fact that the dragons know, at all times, the location of everything that belongs to them in their hoard, down to the last penny. Unfortunately, this has never been proved, as most of the brave (but obviously stupid) dracologists have been eaten.


Teghaw perceived that there was no tracks in the room and realized that the guilty thief must have been a bird, one of the annoying jackdaws most likely. So, images of death, rage, fire, and doom upon that poor, stupid jackdaw searing through Teghaw's mind, he set off to search the winds for news of his prey. Which, fortunately for the Towns nearby, and unfortunately for the dragon, eventually led to his doom.


**************


Meanwhile, Rilo was about to shoot the Dog. With a bow.

However, Rilo did not own a bow, so he let the thought go and instead shot verbal versions of the sort at the eloquent, ever-talking Sir Muffle, which had awoken from his nap.

"Shut thy trap, O Dog! Thy tongue is long as the day, and it presently grows tiresome!" Rilo waxed eloquent and kingly in his speech when in a rage worthy of a King.

Sir Muffle jumped up, setting his front paws on the fence. "Traps are bad."

Rilo very nearly screamed his frustration, and stormed into his house, violently slamming his door, where it promptly tore the hinges out of the door-frame and crashed to the deck.

A slightly muffled "Ooh..." from Sir Muffle came through the window.


Comment, if you will.



THE STINGING SECOND SECTION

This section may sting you, so if you are on a laptop that is in your lap, I'd recommend putting it on a table where it won't sting you.


I have brought to you today...a plot. Or the start of one. Feel free to steal it to make a novel/la out of it. :D


******

Single widower is at work, working late. His teenage son, who is alone at home, calls and asks him if he's coming home soon. As he's replying, a unearthly shriek sounds through the phone, and the phone line goes dead.

The man calls his son back, but instead of his son who anwers, strange words, spoken by a deep voice, greets his ear--and then hangs up. He attempts another call, but there's no answer.

The man hurries out of his work to his car--but the car is gone. No one is in sight--everyone else at the place, save for the few night-workers on the other side of the sizable building, have long since gone home.


******



THE DANGEROUS THIRD SECTION


This section is extremely dangerous. Read on at your own risk.







...Rabbits. See previous post.


--
Jake

How You Know You're a Tolkien Fanatic

1. You own the Silmarillion, the Hobbit, and Lord of the Rings at least, not counting the other publications. ~(Let's see, There's Book of Lost Tales I and II, The Lays of Beleriand, the Shaping of Middle-Earth, the...)

2. You own the Extended Edition of the LOTR movies. ~"Fly, you fools!"

3. You either read or watch LOTR at least once a year. ~"Eh? You want me to take the trash out? But I'm at a good part! Galadriel, who was, incidentially, one of the Noldor, who sailed across the Sea because of Feänor, the son of the King Finwë, just gave Frodo..."

4. You are constantly quoting both the books and the movies--not to mention epic spoofs. ~"Dark have been my Teenage Writer posts of late."

5. You puzzle over the LOTR Appendices. ~"Was it Arvedui who was the last King of Arthedain, or did Arthedain end before then, destroyed by the Witch-King of Angmar? I can't remember."

6. You have looked into learning Quenya. ~"Wait--consonants written twice are pronounced long??"

7. You try to get your siblings to read the books--or at least watch the movies. ~"What do you mean you want to learn Quenya with me? You haven't even read the books!"

8. You try to speak 'Tolkienish' every once and a while. ~"Lo! I cometh out of the Far West to taketh out the trash."

9. Your parents tease you about your fanaticism. ~"You know what the first sign of a Lord of the Rings fanatic is? You use L-O-T-R instead of Lord of the Rings."

10. You compare awesome things to Tolkien. ~"Wow, Mom, if J. R. R. Tolkien cooked ham, it would've tasted just like that!"

Hoped you enjoyed this little list I cooked up. XD That last quote was my Dad's.


--
Jake

The Terrible Challenge of...Rabbits

Recently the rabbits in my backyard have challenged me to a duel, which I politely and firmly refused. After all, rabbits are some of the most dangerous beings that walk...er, hop, on this earth. They insulted me, but I am no King Eärnil... but these are worse than any Ringwraith.

"You'd be surprised at how many [people] die from mad rabbits these days" ~Angela the Herbalist in Brisingr by Christopher Paolini. (may be slightly paraphrased)

To quote various SPAM pop-up windows, "THIS IS NOT A JOKE", only, you aren't the 1,000,000,000th visitor to this site; you are about to be WARNED.

There are various kinds of killer rabbits.
-The 'Hoppers'--these are the kinds you often find in your backyard. Dangerous--run on sight. Or find a killer Chihuahua.
-The Alice Rabbits--only slightly dangerous. They may throw glass at you, or hit you with a book.
-The Monty Python Rabbits--if you see one of these, you're dead already. If you hear a rumor that one is nearby, move to Mexico.

In fact, it is probably best to live on a houseboat--but you must look out for killer rabbitfish.

However, if you wish to be extremely stupidly brave, here are some ways and weaknesses around killer rabbits.


1)
Watch out for their teeth and talons


Two of their weapons most deadly are the teeth and the talons. If they get close enough, they'll spring at you and gash you until you fall to the ground...and then...Never mind.

2)
Don't let them...

...lull you into a sense that they aren't dangerous...'cause they're so CUTE! Aww.... Oh, yeah. Back to topic.

3)
Their Most Deadly Weapon...

...is their breath. Men call it the Breath of Death (how poetic!), while deer call it the Carnivorous Vapors of Doom, and dogs call it the Dangerousbreathlikepoisonthatwillkillyou. Me, however? I call it... rabbit breath.


So you're trying to 'slay the rabbit'? Forget about it, and go home. Write a blog post or something... just stay away from rabbits.

--
Jake

Cool Weather and the Fickleness of Kansas Weather

Well, what I can say is that Kansas weather is fickle.

Four days ago, I think it was, the weather turned rainy. And the next three days turned out to be cool and nice with a damp breeze. Wonderful.

Normally, for August Kansas, the temp is up in the 90s, if not the 100s, all month. This is almost unheard of!

Hopefully this means a good long winter--I love winter. No snow days for homeschoolers, but I love it just the same.

And the best part? I woke up this morning...cold.

--
Jake

The One Year Adventure Novel--Expansion?!

Sorry to bother you again, but my fingers are trembling with excitement and I just have write this.

This just in! OYAN (One Year Adventure Novel) has come out with an expansion from the regular OYAN cirriculum--but it's completely focused on fantasy and sci-fi, something that was left out in the normal cirriculum. I have a great respect for the writing prowess of Daniel Schwabauer, OYAN's maker, and this such news to me that I just HAVE to blog about it.

So there it is! OYAN has gone fantasy. Hurray! I hope to get it ASAP... though I may have to wait until next year to do it. :)

With great excitement and fervor;

--
Jake

A Lay...?

[Before this post starts, I must apologize for my long absence--so... Sorry! :D]

I am rather tired today. School has sucked the life out of me... But the writing curriculum has gone swimmingly. OYAN is officially my favorite writing curriculum...and my only writing curriculum. :D But I'm doing two lessons or more a day, and I can't believe it counts as schoolwork. :)

I can't think of anything more to say, so I will leave you with this part of a lay I am writing. With one confession--my inspiration comes from Tolkien. I love his poems. :)

Tell me what you think of it in the comments section! Does it make you chilly? Intriuged? Does it make you shiver? Does it make you wish that you could read more? Does it make you hungry? Go ahead and tell me what you think. :)


Midnight shrouds the City in sleep,
Choking from Moons their light,
Beneath their gaze in pathways deep,
A dark-cloaked man takes flight.

Through alley and across street,
Under sign and over walk,
The sinister man goes to meet,
Goes to meet a man to talk.

Five men of shadow come forth
Dark-clothed in the deeds they do,
Discarded all deeds of worth,
Hatred and bitterness inflamed anew.

The light of the moon flickers out,
As the men make their way back,
Not a whisper, not a shout,
Resists their silent attack.

Into the silent courtyard they enter,
Not delayed by drugged guard,
They whisper their way to the center,
Into the palace and out of the yard.

The fate of a King is wrought,
In that darkening, shadowed night,
The silent battle of wills is fought,
But the King is gone despite.

Clang! Sounds the bell,
The alarms loudly ring,
But it is too late, this night so fell,
They have taken the King.


--
Jake

I Write Like J. R. R. Tolkien?

Well, this handy little device that analyzes one's writing and compares it to a famous author's told me a wrote most like J. R. R. Tolkien. Before, actually, with a different (and much older) piece, it told me I wrote like Frank L. Baum, but I submitted a newer piece and recieved that answer. :) So here's the official blogging thingy;

I write like
J. R. R. Tolkien

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

I don't know how accurate this is, but it made my day. :)

--
Jake

30,000 Words!!

Woot! I surpassed 30,000 words today on Quest for the Kingdom, my first novel! I did this while editing, and so, to celebrate, perhaps I should post an excerpt. :)

Unfortunately, I cannot post from Quest for the Kingdom, unless I did a wee bit from my prologue. So I'll put up a poll--and it's about posting an excerpt. Go ahead and vote if you want to see some more from my novel! :)

Signing out,

--
Jake