The Long-Promised Excerpt

Critique it. I beg you. :)

This is a snippet from my prologue. It's still undergoing revision, but for the most part it's one of the most revised and well-written parts of my novel.



Midnight shrouded Aleorendos in its choking sleep. The moons above it were wreathed in a strange haze that strangled the light out of them like a parasite, aiding the deeds of criminals that crept through the silent city beneath.

A man, dark and shadowy, stepped cautiously from an ornate palace door, somewhere in the center of Garajid. He warily glanced around him, looking for movement. A tense, taut expression hovered on his face--pursuit felt close. He could sense it. But seeing no one, he decided to chance it. Walking down the deserted street, he kept to the shadows that the four moons cast.

"They'd better be there on time," the man muttered to himself darkly. The dim moonlight danced shadows across the man's cruel, hard face as he walked along, rendering his sinister likeness even more evil. His black cloak swirled around him in the breeze--it had a chill to it, a promise of colder weather yet to come.

The man turned down a dark alleyway. The tall buildings above him gave shadow and secrecy, veiling the moonlight. He waited impatiently.

Above him, the moons slipped in and out of the clouds, peeking down on the man like a stern judge. The man shivered. Under the gaze of the moons--and ultimately, Saar--his motives seemed cheap and worthless. Why are you doing this? the wind seemed to breathe.

Even as doubt began to creep into his blackened heart, the man hardened it. Things are set in motion that cannot be undone. I must go through with this. The man's mind wandered. And then there is...the crown. Desire gripped him again, desire that had been awakened by whispered words in the night. Words whispered by a servant of the Darkness. Words that could not be denied, once they had taken ahold of his heart and blackened it with his Master's evil.
The sound of footsteps on stone jerked the man back into the fateful night.

A hulking man stepped out in front of him, from nowhere, it seemed. Unfazed, the man stood impassively, waiting for the man to speak.

"I have the men ready, Your Majesty," said the hulking figure, moving uncomfortably under the black-cloaked man's piercing gaze.

"Do not speak the title just yet," the black-cloaked man hissed, narrowing his eyes and glaring at the man, "It is bad luck to do so before it is true." But soon it will be.

The other man bowed his head in submission. "Forgive me, my liege."

Five other men came from the various shadows, swords at their sides and a grim look in their tattooed faces. These were the thugs to do his dirty work, as promised by the Master.

The black-cloaked man silently led the men back the way he had came, a cruel smile beginning to grow on his face. His plans would soon be fulfilled, and then there would be no one to stop him from achieving his goal; the throne.



Did you like it? Feel free to post your opinion in a comment!

And here is another; the Story of the Sadaar is its name. It was spoken by the son of King Ladar. The reason I'm posting this one is because I recently reached 30,000 words on my third novel as well; and this is from 'Sadaar', my third novel.



"Long ago, when the world was yet young, Saar reached down to the earth and chose seventy-seven of his faithful followers.

"'I give you a choice,' Saar said to them. 'A choice. You may serve me, as you have been doing, on the earth among other men like you, leading your everyday lives according to My law. Or, you can choose to serve me in a greater way, forsaking the earth's ways, and become one who can see many things hidden to others. If you choose this, let it be known that you will not be in favor with the peoples of the earth. They will be afraid of you, and mock you, calling you a magician and a sorcerer. But you will also be close to Me, and I will give you words to speak. You would be my envoy to the nations, a prophetic voice to the earth. Choose. If you choose nay, you will be sent back to your homes on the earth.'

"Each and every one of the followers chose yes. They became envoys from Saar to the world. They married, and had children, each of them having the same gift of their fathers and mothers.

"In time they became known as the Sadaar. Saar enabled them to be able to sense danger, fight like a lion, and to use power, known to the peoples of the earth as magic.

"But sorrow overcame the seventy-seven. Like a raven, the Evil One of the world picked them off, one by one, using the evil peoples of the earth like a tool.

"Each of the Sadaar, before they died, were given a choice. The choice was simple; join the Evil One or die.

"And each of the Sadaar refused, trusting in Saar alone. They and their descendants were hunted down and put to death.

"In all the world, there were only six Sadaar left, they and their clans. They met together, and Saar told each of them to go in hiding, so that they might serve his purposes later on.

"Many famous, blazing prophets came from the line of the Seven, Seisa, Osloi, and Kedus to name a few.

"There now has not been a Sadaar seen in three hundred years. Most have thought that the Evil One had finally accomplished his goal, but the last prophet, Kedus, prophesied that another would come, one that would be from the direct line of the Seven.

"Kedus died at the hand of King Akkas of Paladain, saying the words, 'In the darkness of days shall come one who will shine a light before all people.' And those words the believers of Saar and the followers of the Sadaar cling to, even to this day."

--
Jake